Motherhood 6

Motherhood 6

One step forward, two steps back. This my life with my autistic daughter. They tell me this is normal. But it's sooo frustrating for me. There are days I can't stop crying for her & for me. Why should it be so? But I guess you can't really ask these questions? Why does someone's child die? Why does someone get raped? Why does someone become paralyzed in an accident? It is not about fairness, is it? What is it about?

Someone said: "every body comes to your life for a reason."  So essentially, the universe provides whatever experience you need to learn and grow. I used to so believe in that. Now I think that's the biggest bullshit we made up to justify the injustice of it all and accept the pain and misery we feel every day. 

So someone please tell me what life is about, REALLY, not the goddamn old cliches. 

Shedding the Weight

Shedding the Weight

It's time to say goodnight. I leave you with the experience of today. Shedding extra baggage, be it in body, mind or spirit is such a freeing experience. I had hidden inside my weight for a long time, thus hiding from the world. Today I dumped the clothes and the shame of being fat. I feel so much lighter in my body, mind and spirit. Blessed be dear ones and sweet dreams of weightlessness :-)

معصومانه

معصومانه

چه معصومانه به من مينگرد

چه غريبانه به او مينگرم

ماما، ماما

هى صدايم ميزند
بى دليل
با صدايى كَزانِ خود اوست
انگار كه از رفتن من ميترسد

با چشمانى پر خون
با دلى آكنده از درد و جنون
با صدايى لرزان
ميگويم
جانِ مادر، جانِ نيلو
من هنوز اينجايم

نيلوفر سليمانى

گناه

گناه

مرا بسپار

بدست ويرانگر باد

تا با پراكندن خويش در افق طلايى

جانت را رهائى بخشم

مرا بسپار

بدست قله هاى بلند دماوند

تا با فرود خويش

بر دشت بيكرانِ پر گل

روح خجل زده ات را رهايى بخشم

مادر

مادر

من كشتىِ سرگردان و تو ناخداى من

من ورقى سفيد و تو نقاش من

مادر

عشق و محبت

زشت و زيبا 

و تمام نقش هاى بدرنگ و تلخِ اين دنيا را

تو به من آموختى

تو

گناههاى من 

از بدو تولد نبود

زشتى هاى من

در گاهواره نبود

كودكيم را تو چون خميرى نرم

در مشت خود به بازى گرفتى

و به دلخواه خود شكل بخشيدى

مادر، مادر

مرا بسپار

به اين اب روان

تا با تسليم خويش به ابهاى زلال زمين

گناههاى تو و خويشتن را پاك كنم

نيلوفر سليمانى

New Year

5 am the early morning before new year. The silence around me is, as always, beautiful and comforting. My wish for the new year (not that anybody is going to grant it!) is silence all around the globe, and a paid vacation for all of humanity, so that our souls can rest, and find peace again. This vacation has done me wonders! May 2013 be a year of love, forgiveness, generosity and abundance of food, health and wealth for you and all of us, the children of the world. Peace and Love from me to all of you who tirelessly work to make the world a better place. Blessed be!

New Year Resolution

It is 4 am and I hope all of you are dreaming of Moon Lilies! In the meanwhile I'm up again for my daily dose of "bi khabi" or sleeplessness. I ck the usual places, FB, email, Linkedin. Nothing interesting or pressing. Depressing may be! But as usual the silence wraps me like a blanket. Good time to ponder the big questions of life. What will 2013 be for me? Another depressing year? Not if I can help it.

2013 will mean packing up and moving after 15 years in this house. But where? My beloved town of Berkeley, where all my college friends and politically minded friends still live. What if they've changed and want nothing to do with me? Possible! What is more possible is my lack of energy to move. How can I get the Mountain of Things I have collected over 15 years, out of this house? God help me!!! Any way what about work? Hell no! Who wants to work, when I can be poor? From rich to poor in less than 2 years. Good job Moon Lily! Yeah, unemployed workers of the world unite! Who the hell said "go,work. Don't ask what is work.  Because work is eternal wealth."* برو كار ميكن مگو چيست كار، كه سرماييه جاودانى است كار. Well he totally lied! Not working is just fabulous! 

And also Who the hell said women should work outside of the home, instead of raising their kids? Boy, were they misguided! Tired and burnt out, how the hell are you supposed to do a good job with your kids. Oh, wait, you make good money working, so get a nanny to raise your kid. Smart, totally smart!

Okay all this depressing stuff is creating acid in my stomach and starting to hurt. Better to go to work, keep the status quo going. God forbid we question the established norms of the world. Work, work, work, so you can buy, buy, buy, so you can send the kid to college, pay the mortgage and put food on the table, till you drop dead! That's a good life! Something to look forward to in 2013!

__________________________________
Sa'adi, a very famous Iranian poet said this statement in a poem. 

I'm Back

Back home! Wondering what the hell I'm doing here? Oh, wait! I've got a little girl somewhere!!! I forgot for only a nano-second that I'm a mother.... It was a freeing nano-second. Oh well, back to reality! 

My wish for the new year is to move. Where? Anywhere but here! And to fall in love with someone who falls in love with me. It's been 10 years or more. Am I asking the impossible? It seems so, because, well, I have many flaws that can't seem to be fixed. Okay now I'm babbling like a brook that has lilies floating in it. And they are very rare and special Moon Lilies (نيلوفر مهتاب) like me, yes ME! No! I'm not on drugs :) just dreaming of someone special loving me.

Okay, my lovely friends, Goodnight to you all and sweet Moon Lily dreams!...