It sucks! That's right! Motherhood sucks! Some of you are going to think, How absurd? Some of you: This woman is crazy. But most of you are going to read it and forget. This is NOT my personal story but it is based on a true story of a woman just like you. There are no happily-ever-afters. Yes, serious problems do happen*. And yes it can happen to you too....
So your are a highly educated and highly paid director and you want to have a baby. Your body is screaming BABY, BABY. Every baby you see either pisses you off or makes you teary eyed, because you want your own. Finally, the time comes and you and your husband are ready; Planned parenthood, what a concept. You are settled finacially, mentally and in all other ways. You've been there, done that and so now the time is right.
One day, boom the pregnancy test is positive! Yeay, "We're pregnant," you tell your husband. Wow, I'm going to be a mother. I wonder what that's like. You pass the first trimester and all the nausea.You take care of yourself, eat the right food, take your prenatal vitamins, go to all your appointments. Okay, this ain't so bad.
You start dreaming about what it would be like, Holding your little baby, dressing your little girl, feeling complete and at peace. Your hand automatically goes on your bloated stomach as if to protect her from everything and anything. My baby!
Okay 9 months pass and we won't even talk about the childbirth! It will make you change your mind right here and now. How can a seven-, eight-, or even nine-pound baby manages to fit through an opening roughly the diameter of a bagel? Plus the 20 long hours of labor pain. But which masochistic person would try "natural" birth? No way in hell!! Yeah, go for the C-Section. Much more humane! Okay, so the baby is out, you are hormonal and cry for no reason, your husband doesn't understand and over night he becomes a jerk.
Fast forward again. Your baby girl is over 1 year old and she can't walk. What can be wrong? "Oh, different babies have different schedules," says the doctor. Six months later, she still can't walk. "Not to worry but let's do an MRI to be sure." An MRI, is that really necessary? "Ah, well, your child has Spina Bifida," the doctor tells you quietly. Spina what? "Spina bifida is a developmental congenital disorder. Some vertebrae overlying the spinal cord are not fully formed and remain unfused and open," says the doctor in one breath. You are thinking: WTF but you say, "what does that mean doctor? What do we have to do?"
"Spina bifida can be surgically closed after birth, but this does not restore normal function to the affected part of the spinal cord. Your child may or may not walk," the doctor is solemn. Then you can't help it and you puke all over the nice doctor. "But she's only 2 years old! How can this happen? " you are starting to get hysterical. "I took care of myself. Why? Why doctor? What went wrong?" This can't be your fault. "The cause is really unknown. Did you take your folic acid?" He asks. "Of course I did, you moron." Your husband tries to calm you down by holding you tightly. Let me go you asshole!
Fast forward five more years. There's been several surgeries. Your daughter can walk but she does not have bladder or urine control. You got fired from your $200,000 job because you were absent a lot and your heart wasn't in it. Your husband doesn't make enough money to pay the mortgage. So your house goes into foreclosure. You talk less and less to your husband. Sex? Forget about it. You try to keep your chin up. Your heart is beaten and scarred from watching your little child go through so much pain. You almost killed that one O.R. nurse who was supposed to be the best but could not find a vain for the IV and poked your little girl over and over while she screamed: "Mama help me, Mama Help me." And your heart bled along with your daughter. Except no one gave you any treatment for your bleeding heart. Now, one little word sets you off crying. So you get some anti-depressant pills to help you continue taking the torture.
Now, she's going to Kindergarten. You have to fight with the school and the district to get a 504 disability report and an ILP (Individualized Learning Plan). But they have no money for an aide. You ask the principal: "So who is going to clean my girl when she has a bowl movement (BM)?"
"Don't worry, I, myself and my staff will be on top of it," replies the principal. You've got to be kidding? you want to scream but instead you say: "But they are busy doing their jobs and that doesn't require cleaning my daughter's poop.
"We are a team. Let's try it out and see how it works," the principal says confidently. Well it doesn't work out. Your daughter is constantly in poop and nobody to clean her. One time you pick her up and she's been rolling in poop for 4 hours. You are now ready to kill!
Fast forward, and she's in first grade. You realize she has symptoms of autism. Yes! Autism. How can that be? Is just is. You get her tested and she has Pervasive Developmental Delay-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). WTF? What is "Not Otherwise Specified?" Did they run out of words? "Well it is a high functioning form of autism on the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)," they explain to you.
Your daughter wants to make friends so badly but her weird behavior freaks the other kids. There's no medicine or cure. Your heart breaks for her again and again. You read 20 books on Autism. You learn everything there's to know and apply it. You get specialists for your child and there's little change "It takes years for her to learn, mam. At least she's got high-functioning autism," the specialists tell you. "It's really not that noticeable." You want to kill them too!
Your friends keep posting "feel good" messages on Facebook: Have Faith! Disappointments are just God's way of saying I've got something better. Be Patient! Have Faith!" Why God? Why? What did I ever do to deserve this? I have been a good person all my life. Why are you punishing me? You read another "feel good" message. "The world is full of beauty when the heart is filled with love." Love?!!! Give me a f*king break. I have no more love left. Why don't you go through what I'm going through and then see how you can handle it! You want to kill your friends too.
You hate life, you hate motherhood. It's not supposed to be this way! It's supposed to be all cuddly and cute, roses and butterflies. But instead it is filled with pain and suffering. How come nobody told me how hard it was? How come everybody wanted me to have a baby? Some said: "It's the best job in the world, so rewarding." Others said: "Oh, I love my children. they are the best thing that ever happened to me." How come no mother ever complains about the the hard work, the suffering or the fact you will never have your own identity again. It is a horrible job that you can't quit; you are just a 24/7 slave at the beckon call of your child for the rest of your life!! Why doesn't any one ever say: Motherhood sucks? Am I the only one who feels this way?
You love your daughter but you start to resent her for the last 7 years, for all the pain. Your husband leaves you because he's sick of your crying and can't tolerate a developmentally delayed kid. You are all alone. And you continue to cry and sometimes wail, mostly for the dreams that never came true....
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*According to CDC 1 out of 88 children has autism. 1 in 54 boyshas autism.
*CDC conducted a study called “Trends in the Prevalence of Developmental Disabilities in U.S. Children, 1997–2008. Data from the study showed that developmental disabilities (DDs) are common:about 1 in 6 children in the U.S. had a DD in 2006–2008. These data also showed that prevalence of parent-reported DDs has increased 17.1% from 1997 to 2008—that’s about 1.8 million more children. This data includes children 8 and older and doesn't take into account younger children. Therefore, in my opinion, it is flawed and the rate is much higher than shown here.
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My heart goes out to you. I don't know what your options are as far as permanent placement but I urge you to find a place for her to be taken care of by professionals. My brother is Autistic and my mom had to place him in a group home for several reasons. One, she couldn't take care of him 24/7 because she did have to work. Two, she almost had a nervous breakdown because special needs children, depending on the severity will mentally break you down eventually. I work with special needs kids BUT I also get to go home; get a break from them. You don't because its 24/7. At least professionals can work in shifts..that's the difference..let the professionals handle her and u can take her home for a visit anytime u want so you aren't abandoning her. Plus u aren't going to be young and healthy forever so that's another thing to think about.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I don't know what your options are as far as permanent placement but I urge you to find a place for her to be taken care of by professionals. My brother is Autistic and my mom had to place him in a group home for several reasons. One, she couldn't take care of him 24/7 because she did have to work. Two, she almost had a nervous breakdown because special needs children, depending on the severity will mentally break you down eventually. I work with special needs kids BUT I also get to go home; get a break from them. You don't because its 24/7. At least professionals can work in shifts..that's the difference..let the professionals handle her and u can take her home for a visit anytime u want so you aren't abandoning her. Plus u aren't going to be young and healthy forever so that's another thing to think about.
ReplyDeleteCan't you just be thankful that your child wasn't taken from you before he could take a breath?
ReplyDeleteImagine going into the hospital ecstatic that your finally in labor. You're finally going to see the beautiful and perfect little life you spent 10 months creating, protecting, and nurturing. During prep for the c-section, something goes wrong and his heart rate drops as he begins to violently thrash and writhe inside of you. Rushed into the O.R., the Dr. immediately tears you open.
EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.
As quickly as a blink, you wake up, groggy and confused, and your husband is incoherently sobbing, all you hear is, "Baby...He... didn't make it..." As you slowly comprehend what he meant, the words ricochet inside your suddenly empty, gaping soul, and you feel a wave of the most terrifying, gut wrenching, hopeless grief wash over you as you gasp for air, and begin to scream as shock and the remnants of the anesthesia force you back into the murky sickening depths of unconsciousness.
EVERYTHING IS BLACK AGAIN.
When you are able to stay conscious again, you then get the bittersweet, agonizing chance to hold your child's lifeless but perfect body, knowing that you only have a tiny window of time to say goodbye to the innocent little miracle that you never got to say hello to. Sobbing again, all you have to soothe your tortured spirit is your imagination. Most people have a lifetime of memories to ease their sadness. You have to imagine what he would have sounded like, had he taken that first breath and let out a feeble cry for his Mommy... You have to imagine what color his eyes would have been, as he grew and pigmentation changed his most likely blue iris's, would he have had his Daddy's brown eyes full of depth and mystery? Or would he take after his Mommy, developing emerald green eyes with flecks of gold near the iris? Would he be a nerdy computer genius like Daddy, or an eccentric musician like Mommy?
Imagine this.
Leaving the hospital in a wheelchair, a huge gaping scar where your once beautiful child had been, and all you have to hold in your aching arms is a small box. Pictures, a baby blanket, a lock of his adorable wispy hair, and his hospital bracelet. Those are supposed to replace your child. You will never get to experience your life being "ruined" and apparently inconvenienced by the responsibility and privilege of going through life with your child in your arms, by your side, in your life, etc. At least you get to kiss your baby goodnight, and see her bright eyes shining as she dances to the table for breakfast every morning.
It may be a challenge, but come on! You are LIGHT YEARS away from experiencing the true pain and real suffering that a mother of an angel goes through, and we rarely show how destroyed we really are!
Cherish your child's life, whether they are healthy, or sick, at least you aren't alone!