Saturday, December 22, 2012

اسم شب

اسمِ شب

اسم شب چیست؟
اسم شب تنهاييست
اسم شب دلتنگيست

اسم شب دختر من
كه در آن غربتِ دور
شبى از اين شبها
شبى از درد و جنون
سفرِ بى‌كسى آغاز نمود

اسم شب اسم من است
كه دلم محفلِ تاريكى‌هاست
كه دلم تشنهً خوشبختى‌هاست



اسم شب من
اسم شب او
اسم شب زندگىِ تلخى‌هاست



٠٠٠٠٠٠٠٠

اسم شب پيوندیست از عشق و وفا
اسم شب همهرهی یاران است
كه در آن لحظهٔ درد
ناجىِِ قلب منند

دوستهايى كه  مرا می‌پايند
نور عشقی به تنم ميريزند
تا كه من روزم را
 از نو آغاز كنم

نيلوفر سليمانى

..............

گر شبت یلداست
،قلب محزونت
خسته و تنهاست
،تیره‌گی گر باز
چیره بر دلهاست
گر دلت تنگ است
گرچه غم پیداست
دل قوی میدار
،صبح امّیدت
از افق پیداست

هادى 

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

شاه و ما

:مقاله ای بسیار عالی از محمد رهبر
منبع : روز آنلاین Rooz Online -

با نزدیک شدن به واقعه ۲۸ مرداد :

شاه و ما | محمد رهبر

چه خوب که شبکه ی حرفه ای و مُتمکن "Manoto TV" ، به سال انقلاب بازگشته و روزهای آوارگی شاه از تهران تا قاهره را روایت کرده است و مستندی جذاب ساخته با تصاویر کمیاب که راوی اش، بانویِ فرهیخته، فرح دیباست که روزگاری حکمِ دانای کل داشت و حالا شده ناظر غایب. به هر حال، شنیدن روایت آنها که در شکستِ شاهانه سهیم بودند نیز جزئی از تاریخ است، هرچند حقیقتِ آن نیست.

نوستالژی جوانان تاریخ نخوانده ی شاه ندیده، فرصتی ساخته و از سویی وضعیت نامطلوب امروز هویداست و طشتِ رسوایش پرصدا و اینک ایرانی رنجور باید بنشیند کنارِ فرح دیبا و باهم مویه کنند. تراژدی کمدی تاریخ است که ستمگران قدیمی را ظالم امروز، روسپید کرده و مظلوم. گرنه اتفاقی نیفتاده و شاه همان مستبدی است که بود.

فرح دیبا چشم به تصاویر جوانان ژولیده و کف بر دهانِ انقلاب دارد و خونسرد و مطمئن از اینکه مخاطبِ افسرده که حالا در هوایِ هیچ انقلاب و فریادی نیست، حق را به او و خاندانش می دهد که گویا یکسره پیشرفت می خواستند و در دل می گوید این بیابانگردانِ سودایی، معلوم نیست از کجا به شهر حمله کرده اند و کاخ آرزوهای ملتی را از بیخ کندند.

بانو البته حق دارد، آن کادرِ نحیفِ تصاویرِ دست ساز که نمی تواند آنچه در آن دوران و زیر گنبد کبود می رفت را روایت کند، باید بنشیند و شاه را در پرده ی خاطرات تاریخ ببیند تا بداند امروزِ ما از کجا آمده و چه شد که همه آواره ایم.

پیرمردی را به یاد آورید که نشسته بود بر خاک و تکیه بر عصا داده و سر پنهان کرده زیر شولایِ درد. او دکتر محمد مصدق بود. بدا به حال ما که در سیزده سال زندان و حصرِ احمد آباد، کسی را جرئت آن نبود که سراغش گیرد و نه خبرنگاری می توانست بیاید و بپرسد:

"جناب نخست وزیر در ماجرای ملی کردن نفت ایران و زمین زدن استعمار انگلیس چه می کردی و شاه چه می کرد؟"

شاه شادکام جوان که به پشتوانه ی آمریکا و انگلستان و هیبتِ شعبان جعفری تاجبخش، دوباره بر تخت نشسته بود، حتی نمی گذاشت نام مصدق از احمد آباد بیرون رود، چه رسد به اینکه قامتِ نحیفش به تهران بیاید و در خیابانهای شهری که در آن هزار خاطره داشت، نفسی گشت زند.

وقتی پیرمرد سر بر زمین گذاشت و برنخاست، دوستی چون سادات هم نداشت که قدری بداند و قدرتی داشته باشد تا باشکوه به خاک رود. در انزوایی ماند و رفت و مثل شاه، شصت میلیون دلار هم از ایران نبرد و خرج دادگاه لاهه نیز از سرمایه ی شخصی اش شد، اما نفت به همتش ملی گشت و این سرمایه، شاه را رهبر اوپک و شخصِ قدرتمند منطقه ساخت و اینها خدمت مصدق به ایران بود.

بعضی صحنه هاست که بهتر است بانو فرح نبینند و آنها که ضعف اعصاب دارند و قلب رنجور...

مردی بود با ریش بلند که پس از کودتای ۲۸ مرداد دستگیرش کردند و مثل غنیمتی شد قیمتی، برای والاحضرت اشرف پهلوی. وقتی به دادگاه می بردنش حکم قتلش را قبلا داده بودند و شعبان و چاقوکش ها ریختند تا قیمه اش کنند و به آن زخمها نمرد و ناچار وقتی تب داشت و می لرزید، تیربارانش کردند. او دکتر حسین فاطمی وزیر خارجه محمد مصدق و کسی بود که پیشنهاد ملی شدن نفت را داد.

بانو فرح، سالهای مصدقی را به دربار نبودند و آن وقت ملکه ثریا اسفندیاری کنار شاه می ایستاد. شاید اگر ثریا پسری می آورد و با شاه می ساخت، فرح دیبا که اهل دانش و هنر بود هم به راهی می رفت که خیلی از دانشجویان ایرانی رفتند و مخالف شاه می شد، هر چند بروز نمی داد. اما چه باید کرد، اگر کنار تاج، نیم تاجی بر سر داشته باشی، تمام عدل و انصاف گم می شود.

تا اینجای کار هنوز مخالفان شاه، دست به اسلحه نبرده بودند. هنوز امید داشتند تا با مبارزه قانونی اصلاح کنند و استبداد را پس بزنند اما مگر محمد رضا پهلوی، ذره ای به دیگران فرصت می داد.

این اسمها که می بریم همه تصویرند اما خب دوربین به زندان نمی شد برد و حال و روزشان دانست.

مهندس بازرگان ، دکتر یدالله سحابی ، آیت الله سید محمود طالقانی و دیگرانی که به انزوا رفتند و باز نگاه دوربین به این گوشه های متروک و مغضوب شاه نمی رفت، غلامحسین صدیقی ،کریم سنجابی و حتی نخست وزیر مطرود سالهای بعد، علی امینی.

ای کاش شاه روزی ۱۸ ساعت کار نمی کرد. ناسلامتی مشروطه شده بود تا سلطنت کند و نه حکومت. بنابر مشروطه قرار بود تا مجلس همه کاره باشد و انتخابات آزاد کشور را بچرخاند و نخست وزیر فقط فرمان مجلس ببرد و شاه نیز موظف به تنفیذ قوانین بنا بر تشریفات بود، نه اینکه هر جا روی بچرخانی تمثال شاه و فرح ببینی و سایه ی شاه و ارتش و ساواک بر سر همه ی امور چرخ بزند و نه اینکه همه ی وزرا، وزیر دربار باشند و نمایندگان چاکران و جان نثاران و بازی دو حزبی و تک حزبی ازتفریحات سالمِ شاه شود.

خشونت، خشونت را می زاید و در عالم انسانی، فیزیکِ نیوتونی حاکم نیست که هر کُنشی، واکنشی داشته باشد، دقیقا برابر با نیروی وارده در پسِ فصلِ سردی آمد که در زمستانِ پهلوی بود. تصاویر هولناک شکنجه های زشت، باز تکثیر شد، چرا چون که ملت در حکومت شاه تجربه ای برای آموختن سیاست و مدارا نداشتند و آموزگاران چنین درسی که انگشت شمار نیز بودند راهی به دولت و حکومت نیافتند.

کجا بود بانو فرح، وقتی اصغر بدیع زادگان را در شکنجه گاه ساواک بر گاز پیک نیکی آنقدر نشاندند که سوختگی تا نخاعش پیش رفت و عاقبت اعدامش کردند. از یاد ها رفته است روستازاده ی به فغان آمده ای از ظلم خوانین و نامش صفرخان قهرمانی که ۳۲ سال در زندان شاه ماند تا با انقلاب آزاد شد.

اما از خسرو گلسرخی تصویر داریم، ای کاش می شد بنشینیم و همراه بانو فرح به چشم اشکبار ببینیم. جوانی سی ساله بود، سرشار از آرمان، گیرم چپ می زد و به راحتی اعدامش کردند، جرمش اینکه به اسلحه فکر کرده بود نه اینکه حتی به دست بگیرد.

اینها درست که شاه ایران را مثلِ مایملک خود دوست داشت و با آن لحنِ خودخواه می گفت ملتِ من، کشورِ من. راست است که به خونریزی در حد حمام خون اعتقادی نداشت و در اداره مملکت کارهای درست نیز می کرد، اما خانه ی استبداد هر چند باشکوه، باز از پایه ویران است.

عدل و آزادی را نیز با دیگران و سلسله های بعدی نمی سنجند و ملاک عدالت این نیست که شاه هزار نفر را کشت پس شاه بهتر است! آنچه هر دو جا به باد می رفت حق شهروندی و آزاد زیستن بود، چیزی که نه امروز و نه دیروز به آن اعتقادی نداشتند و در پامال کردنش به قدر وسعشان کوشیده اند و حالا من و تویِ ایرانی هرچند دلشکسته ی انقلابیم اما شرمنده  شاه که دیگر نباید باشیم.

Monday, June 25, 2012

نگاه شرم

نگاه شرمم را که از نگاهت میگریخت
زندانی کردی

و با سکوتی سنگین
مرا نشاندی
با من از فقر گفتی
و از سردی شبهای بی‌پناه

از بی‌عدالتی زمان
.و بی‌تفاوتی
از انسانیت که 
              ترا فراموش کرده است

از دلت گفتی
که تشنه مهر
و نیازمند غذاست

از دستهای کوچکت
که لحظه ای آسایش را 
تجربه نکرده‌اند

با هم گریستیم
تو از درد بی کسی
و من از ناتوانی جانگداز

نیلوفر سلیمانی


Monday, May 28, 2012

بیدار شو




زمان گذشت و
ساعت چهار بار نواخت

زمان گذشت و
ساعت چهل هزار بار نواخت
ساعت سالهای سال نواخت
بیدار شو، بیدار شو!

عشق را به دار آویختند
و انسانیت گلوله باران شد

!بیدار شو

تو در کدام قفسی
که چون موشی در اختفا،
چرخش مدور زندگی را
بی هدف تکرار می کنی؟
برای تکه نانی
یا خرده احترامی
که هرگز باز نخواهی یافت؟

تو کجا پنهاني
که ضربت مکرر خونین را
بی تعمق نادیده می گیری؟
و بی انعکاس می پذیری؟

سی سال گذشت
ساعت هزاران هزار بار نواخت
عشق پرپر شد
هزاران هزار ایرانی پرپر شدند
!بیدار شو ، بیدار شو

نیلوفر سلیمانی

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Pause

As usual with ALL my writing, this is not MY story but it is a true story. You Men: be advised, this may be Rated W for women. But you'll be better off reading it too, so you can manage your relationships smoothly.
_________________________________________________________

I can't sleep, so I'm here, writing. Menopause is also here. Menopause, Pre-menopause, post menopause. WTF! What the hell do these words mean? Every woman has got her own interpretation. I brought up the topic at a luncheon with a few girlfriends . Total silence for a few moments and then looks of pity from staring eyes. "Are you pre-menpausal? They asked. "What the hell does that mean? I asked. "I'm not getting my periods any more. Is that pre, post, or what?"

Someone said with a sigh: "you know even when your period has ended, the symptoms could go on for years." Then all of a sudden a barrage of weird solutions spit out at me, various kinds of herbs and pills; each woman swearing by it. Stop it! Stop it, I wanted to yell. Instead, I said, "I'm just joking guys! Just wanted to see your reactions." Out came a sigh of relief from my friends.

Oh Lord, do you mean intense hot flashes, irritability, cravings can go on for ever? One minute I'm cold, the next minute my head is on fire and I want to run naked through the streets. Wait, wait, a hot flash is coming. I drop the laptop, hold my head and scream in my head: "You bastard, why the f*k women have to go through so much shit? What kind of god are you?". No answer came. Of course.

Eventually the fire in my head cooled down and I had to wrap a shawl around me. I was freezing. I picked up the laptop and I looked up the icky word. Pre-menopause is the period before your period stops! It can take up to 10 years! Yep, 10 years of intense hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue, anxiety, cravings, irritability and lack of sex drive can take over the best years of your life, your 40s. Then Menopause is the time when the periods eventually stop and you can't get pregnant any more. Thank god! So what the hell is post menopause? Are you post-menopausal until you die? Theoretically, yes. But this is good because no more hot flashes. Oh, but wait...pause! There's always a catch! Menopause symptoms may ease but continue for a long time after the menopause. Also unbalanced hormones, i.e. Low estrogen puts you at risk for osteoporosis, heart disease, breast cancer, bladder infections and genitourinary atrophy. Oh Joy!!!

The ghastliness of the situation hit me. Shit! I'm menopausal? How can I be so f*king old? When did this happen? I was still going to lose a bunch of weight, find a nice guy and get married! Well, not really get married. But, you know,  flirting, romance, sex. Shit, it's all down the drain. This can't be happening to me! No way, no how! I'm not that old. I'm NOT in pre or post, menopause or pause of any kind.

Wait, wait! Okay, Pause...Rewind!

It must be my neighbor, the Indian Woman named Reema, having a hot flash, running and screaming naked through the streets.

Poor woman! She must be menopausal.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Talking About Motherhood...

It sucks!  That's right!  Motherhood sucks! Some of you are going to think, How absurd? Some of you: This woman is crazy. But most of you are going to read it and forget. This is NOT my personal story but it is based on a true story of a woman just like you. There are no happily-ever-afters. Yes, serious problems do happen*. And yes it can happen to you too....

So your are a highly educated and highly paid director and you want to have a baby. Your body is screaming BABY, BABY.  Every baby you see either pisses you off or makes you teary eyed, because you want your own.  Finally, the time comes and you and your husband are ready; Planned parenthood, what a concept. You are settled finacially, mentally and in all other ways.  You've been there, done that and so now the time is right.

One day, boom the pregnancy test is positive! Yeay,  "We're pregnant," you tell your husband. Wow, I'm going to be a mother.  I wonder what that's like.  You pass the first trimester and all the nausea.You take care of yourself, eat the right food, take your prenatal vitamins, go to all your appointments.  Okay, this ain't so bad.

You start dreaming about what it would be like, Holding your little baby, dressing your little girl, feeling complete and at peace.  Your hand automatically goes on your bloated stomach as if to protect her from everything and anything.  My baby!

Okay 9 months pass and we won't even talk about the childbirth!  It will make you change your mind right here and now. How can a seven-, eight-, or even nine-pound baby manages to fit through an opening roughly the diameter of a bagel? Plus the 20 long hours of labor pain.  But which masochistic person would try "natural" birth? No way in hell!! Yeah, go for the C-Section. Much more humane! Okay, so the baby is out, you are hormonal and cry for no reason, your husband doesn't understand and over night he becomes a jerk.

Fast forward again. Your baby girl is over 1 year old and she can't walk.  What can be wrong? "Oh, different babies have different schedules," says the doctor. Six months later, she still can't walk. "Not to worry but let's do an MRI to be sure."  An MRI, is that really necessary?  "Ah, well, your child has Spina Bifida," the doctor tells you quietly.  Spina what?  "Spina bifida is a developmental congenital disorder. Some vertebrae overlying the spinal cord  are not fully formed and remain unfused and open," says the doctor in one breath. You are thinking: WTF  but you say, "what does that mean doctor? What do we have to do?" 

"Spina bifida can be surgically closed after birth, but this does not restore normal function to the affected part of the spinal cord. Your child may or may not walk," the doctor is solemn. Then you can't help it and you puke all over the nice doctor.  "But she's only 2 years old! How can this happen? " you are starting to get hysterical.   "I took care of myself. Why? Why doctor? What went wrong?"  This can't be your fault. "The cause is really unknown.  Did you take your folic acid?" He asks. "Of course I did, you moron."  Your husband tries to calm you down by holding you tightly. Let me go you asshole!

Fast forward five more years. There's been several surgeries. Your daughter can walk but she does not have bladder or urine control.  You got fired from your $200,000 job because you were absent a lot and your heart wasn't in it. Your husband doesn't make enough money to pay the mortgage. So your house goes into foreclosure. You talk less and less to your husband. Sex?  Forget about it.  You try to keep your chin up.  Your heart is beaten and scarred from watching your little child go through so much pain. You almost killed that one O.R. nurse who was supposed to be the best but could not find a vain for the IV and poked your little girl over and over while she screamed: "Mama help me, Mama Help me." And your heart bled along with your daughter. Except no one gave you any treatment for your bleeding heart. Now, one little word sets you off crying.  So you get some anti-depressant pills to help you continue taking the torture.

Now, she's going to Kindergarten. You have to fight with the school and the district to get a 504 disability report and an ILP (Individualized Learning Plan). But they have no money for an aide. You ask the principal: "So who is going to clean my girl when she has a bowl movement (BM)?"

"Don't worry, I, myself and my staff will be on top of it," replies the principal. You've got to be kidding? you want to scream but instead you say: "But they are busy doing their jobs and that doesn't require cleaning my daughter's poop.

"We are a team. Let's try it out and see how it works," the principal says confidently. Well it doesn't work out.  Your daughter is constantly in poop and nobody to clean her.  One time you pick her up and she's been rolling in poop for 4 hours.  You are now ready to kill!

Fast forward, and she's in first grade. You realize she has symptoms of autism. Yes! Autism.  How can that be? Is just is. You get her tested and she has Pervasive Developmental Delay-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS).  WTF? What is "Not Otherwise Specified?" Did they run out of words? "Well it is a high functioning form of autism on the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)," they explain to you.  
Your daughter wants to make friends so badly but her weird behavior freaks the other kids.  There's no medicine or cure. Your heart breaks for her again and again. You read 20 books on Autism.  You learn everything there's to know and apply it.  You get specialists for your child and there's little change "It takes years for her to learn, mam. At least she's got high-functioning autism," the specialists tell you.  "It's really not that noticeable." You want to kill them too!

Your friends keep posting "feel good" messages on Facebook:  Have Faith! Disappointments are just God's way of saying I've got something better.  Be Patient! Have Faith!" Why God? Why? What did I ever do to deserve this? I have been a good person all my life. Why are you punishing me?   You read another "feel good" message. ‎"The world is full of beauty when the heart is filled with love." Love?!!!  Give me a f*king break. I have no more love left.  Why don't you go through what I'm going through and then see how you can handle it!   You want to kill your friends too.

You hate life, you hate motherhood. It's not supposed to be this way! It's supposed to be all cuddly and cute, roses and butterflies. But instead it is filled with pain and suffering. How come nobody told me how hard it was? How come everybody wanted me to have a baby? Some said: "It's the best job in the world, so rewarding." Others said: "Oh, I love my children. they are the best thing that ever happened to me." How come no mother ever complains about the the hard work, the suffering or the fact you will never have your own identity again.  It is a horrible job that you can't quit; you are just a 24/7 slave at the beckon call of your child for the rest of your life!! Why doesn't any one ever say: Motherhood sucks?  Am I the only one who feels this way? 

You love your daughter but you start to resent her for the last 7 years, for all the pain. Your husband leaves you because he's sick of your crying and can't tolerate a developmentally delayed kid. You are all alone. And you continue to cry and sometimes wail, mostly for the dreams that never came true....
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*According to CDC 1 out of 88 children has autism.  1 in 54 boyshas autism.
*CDC conducted a study called  “Trends in the Prevalence of Developmental Disabilities in U.S. Children, 1997–2008. Data from the study showed that developmental disabilities (DDs) are common:about 1 in 6 children in the U.S. had a DD in 2006–2008. These data also showed that prevalence of parent-reported DDs has increased 17.1% from 1997 to 2008—that’s about 1.8 million more children. This data includes children 8 and older and doesn't take into account younger children.  Therefore, in my opinion, it is flawed and the rate is much higher than shown here.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Motherhood5

Motherhood #5
چه دانستم که این سودا مرا زین سان کند مجنون
دلم را دوزخی سازد دو چشمم را کند جیحون

چه دانستم که سیلابی مرا ناگاه برباید
چو کشتی ام براندازد میان قلزم پرخون

زند موجی در آن کشتی که تخته تخته بشکافد
که هر تخته فرو ریزد ز گردشهای گوناگون

چه دانم های بسیار است لیکن من نمیدانم
که خوردم از آن دهان بندی در آن دریا کفی افیون....
آی؛ آی ؛ آی

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Depression, The Silent Killer

Before you read, let me remind you that while I use first person in my writing, my writings are not autobiographies and are not about my life, but about the lives of those around me....

"I don't know from whence it comes from, this deep sadness and "deltangi"* that consumes me. My soul weeps and my heart aches. What is it about? What does it mean? And what am I to do with it? All I know is that I'm on my knees praying for relief. When will it end?" I posted on Facebook.

My best friend replied: "I don't know Niloo jaan and I'm sorry you feel that way. But what I do know is that your thoughts become your belief and your belief eventually shapes your reality. Maybe try having and sharing genuine positive toughts and see what happens. Love you."

Positive thoughts? What positive thoughts? I spend the day carrying 300lbs of negative feelings and thoughts, while I go through my day pretending to be normal, doing my job, taking care of stuff. I have tried to offload the 300lbs in many different ways, yet I have not been successful. My best friend has her ups and downs but they are relatively mild and far apart.  She's my age, she's successful, has many friends, accepts and enjoys people as they are. She always sees the good in things and is bright and bubbly. I am envious. I don't have ups and downs.  I mostly have downs! I wish I was normal.  

"I wish it were that easy my friend." I tell her. "The feelings are not initiated by thoughts but precede them and thus, hard to control. there is no underlying belief. The feeling just comes over me like a sneeze which is not voluntary. hard to
understand for those who haven't experienced clinical depression and are under the impression that we can control it. If I could, I would. I am an amazing person, you would think after all the transformational education I could tackle this and my weight. But alas both of these are diseases that need intervention and cure. We just can't change out minds/thoughts about them."

If you think we can just talk our way out of depression, you are wrong. We need help.  And even with help we rarely feel normal.  So if you have depressed friends,watch them carefully, they may one day do what they have been wanting to do all along, to kill themselves.
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*Deltangi in Farsi means when the heart is constricted.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Chase

I stopped the chase and became a witness. I refused to listen to ego and to run after "more", I cried bitter tears, I asked for forgiveness as I forgave those who had hurt me. I cried. I felt blessed for all that I already had and I thanked the universe. Then I served, I gave, and I received ten fold. And for a moment experienced the silence of the universe and the God within.

Hendel

هندلم کو؟
 
هندلی می خواهم که مرا
ار رختخواب بیرون اندازد
لباس تنم کند
هٌلم دهد تا
کیانا را به مدرسه ببرم
کار کنم
پول در آوزم
قسظ خانه را بدهم
تا بی خانمان نشویم
موتورم دیگر کار نمی کند
بیزینش هم تمام شده
پس هندلم کو؟

نیلو :)

I Wish I Could Believe


کاش میتوانستم باور کنم. سادگی را باور کنم, صداقت را باور کنم, عشق را باور کنم. ولی دلم به خشکی شاخه ای پیر و روحم شکسته چون تکه چوبی شناور در آب. نمی توانم فراموش کنم. یا شاید دیگر حوصله اش را ندارم. دل پبر و بدن قراضه, روح خسته و وامانده. باورنمیکنم که این منم!

My special needs child

I always thought discrimination is against color and race. Little did I know my mentally and physically challenged girl would face such brutal discrimination. They expelled her from school because they could not accommodate her, "there is no money" they said. I cried. The trillions of $$ spent or stolen from the war, only a tiny bit of it could save my child. They robbed her of a future. And I cannot do anything. They don't have to answer to anybody. I cried.....

"Kafsh hayam koo?"

can't get out of bed. Too many things to deal with. Better to hide out under the covers. But Ki is waiting for her breakfast. "Kafsh hayam koo?" (where are my slippers)

Freedom

Lost the job, lost the money, lost the house, if only I could lose the joint pains, I'd be free for good :)