Depression, The Silent Killer

Before you read, let me remind you that while I use first person in my writing, my writings are not autobiographies and are not about my life, but about the lives of those around me....

"I don't know from whence it comes from, this deep sadness and "deltangi"* that consumes me. My soul weeps and my heart aches. What is it about? What does it mean? And what am I to do with it? All I know is that I'm on my knees praying for relief. When will it end?" I posted on Facebook.

My best friend replied: "I don't know Niloo jaan and I'm sorry you feel that way. But what I do know is that your thoughts become your belief and your belief eventually shapes your reality. Maybe try having and sharing genuine positive toughts and see what happens. Love you."

Positive thoughts? What positive thoughts? I spend the day carrying 300lbs of negative feelings and thoughts, while I go through my day pretending to be normal, doing my job, taking care of stuff. I have tried to offload the 300lbs in many different ways, yet I have not been successful. My best friend has her ups and downs but they are relatively mild and far apart.  She's my age, she's successful, has many friends, accepts and enjoys people as they are. She always sees the good in things and is bright and bubbly. I am envious. I don't have ups and downs.  I mostly have downs! I wish I was normal.  

"I wish it were that easy my friend." I tell her. "The feelings are not initiated by thoughts but precede them and thus, hard to control. there is no underlying belief. The feeling just comes over me like a sneeze which is not voluntary. hard to

understand for those who haven't experienced clinical depression and are under the impression that we can control it. If I could, I would. I am an amazing person, you would think after all the transformational education I could tackle this and my weight. But alas both of these are diseases that need intervention and cure. We just can't change out minds/thoughts about them."

If you think we can just talk our way out of depression, you are wrong. We need help.  And even with help we rarely feel normal.  So if you have depressed friends,watch them carefully, they may one day do what they have been wanting to do all along, to kill themselves.

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*Deltangi in Farsi means when the heart is constricted.